Monday, May 4, 2015

Keep on Keeping on: Depression, God, and a Little Harry Potter

Let's talk about depression. Let's talk about why God lets depression happen, about why you probably won't "pray it away."

Depression happens, and it is a Real Thing. Just because it doesn't manifest itself with a broken leg or something does not mean it isn't real. Let's review what my friend Albus Dumbledore said to my slightly-less-cool-but-still-cool friend Harry Potter:

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

Dumbledore is the greatest. If you haven't read Harry Potter, I would strongly consider it.

There are a lot of misconceptions about depression. Thanks to modern medicine and the disappearing stigma about discussing the illness, many of these misconceptions are fading. I have noticed that a lot of people seem to think of depression as being sad all the time. This is not necessarily true. It is entirely possible to reach a level of depression where continuous sadness is a "fond dream." Those quotation marks are there because at those depths, fond dreams do not frequently occur. But sadness means feeling. Sadness implies that not all emotion has been sucked into the black hole of depression--the deadness inside that leaves a person without feeling, and without the energy or presence of mind to care that that black hole has taken over. Depression means crying without understanding or caring why you're crying. Depression means the absence of joy.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a really fantastic talk about depression that was full of excellent quotes. One of the best moments, however, was when he talked about depression as "an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively--though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!" ( https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng )

I am with Elder Holland; chances are that while positive thinking and square shoulders will probably not cure your depression, they will most likely not make it worse, either. The hardest part will be wondering why the things you try are not working. Keep on keeping on, because YOU CAN. YOU CAN.

Another hard part will be wondering, "Why is this happening to me? Why is God letting this happen to me?"

I admit, I don't quite understand why people say things like, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," and yet also say, "If there were a God, he wouldn't let bad things happen to good people."

God most definitely lets "bad" things happen to good people (let's equate "bad" with "undesirable" for the moment). Because it's true: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or rather, what doesn't kill you CAN make you stronger, if you let it.

If you don't believe in God, that's your call. You are free to believe what you like, and the premise of this post still stands: keep on keeping on. But I believe in a God who loves me. I believe in a God who knows me better than I know myself, who knows what I need and what I don't. I believe in a God who knows that what I want isn't always what I need, the same way I know that even though my daughter wants to stick her finger in the electrical socket, that isn't what she needs. Or the same way that I know that while she doesn't want to eat her broccoli and spinach, because they taste gross, she still needs to eat her leafy greens. And I am right there with her; I am not a broccoli and spinach girl. In fact, I would welcome a tasty recipe for either of the two. Because even though I dislike the taste of leafy greens, they are good for me.

Just because you don't enjoy something in the moment does not mean that it will not benefit you in the future.

And THAT is why God lets people struggle with depression, or with any other hardship, for that matter.

Story time: once upon a time, there was a girl with depression. It was bad, and she felt dead inside, and hardly anyone even knew it, because she was as good at smiling as the happy girls. With a combination of medical attention, therapy, and removal from a stressful situation, she eventually got better. She will always struggle with depression. It is in her DNA.
She is stronger today than she was before the depression took over. Would she want to go back and do it again? No. She has no desire to be that person again. But is she grateful that it happened? Yes. Is her life better for it? Absolutely.

And incidentally, part of her "therapy" was God. Do not roll your eyes at or be angry with the person who suggests prayer as a way to help depression. It might not cure you (or it might, who am I to tell God what to do?) but God will not leave you comfortless. The key is to keep on keeping on. When you're not feeling it, when you're thinking, "I take my medicine. I do everything I'm supposed to. I even pray. And I'm still having this problem." KEEP GOING. 

I am in a really good place now. Really, really good. And the road that led me here was paved both with God and with my depression. I kept going, because even though my heart had given up, my mind and my reason refused to let go. I couldn't control my feelings, but I could control my mind. And logic said, "There is a way out of this." So I moved forward, heavy step after heavy step. And eventually, I came out on the other side. Because I could. And SO CAN YOU.

“Don’t give up. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it." -Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come."
A most excellent talk on depression HERE

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