charlie had a little horse. or something like that.

maybe i just forgot i had a blog, okay? maybe i forgot for NINE WHOLE MONTHS that i had a blog. don't judge me. 

anyway, in that nine months, i got knocked up pregnant. by my husband, of course. i had a friend tell me one time that if there was anyone she knew who would get pregnant without planning to, it would be me. she might be right, but i wouldn't know, because this actually was on purpose. we just feel it wouldn't be fair to deny the world a baby as cute as ours will obviously be.

my husband and i are both actually very white, but this baby was
SO CUTE that i had to use this picture anyway. look at those eyes. look at them.

i'm just kidding. i mean our baby will for sure be cute, but that's not why we got pregnant. we just really wanted a baby. 

i was a little worried about how people would react, since in general most people wait until they're in their late 20's or in their 30's somewhere to make babies, assuming they plan for such things at all, and that's what's considered the "smart" option. but i'm pretty young. and pretty broke, and still in school and all that.

and of course, when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter what other people think. i know that having a kid is what i'm supposed to be doing with my life right now. but as much as you tell yourself "it doesn't matter what other people think," you usually do still care a little bit. unless you're a saint, or a completely self-actualized and confident individual. which i'm not, i admit. it's true: i like knowing that my friends and acquaintances don't think i'm crazy. i like that. it brings me comfort.

HOWEVER. i am here to tell you that, seven months in, i really ACTUALLY do not care what people think anymore. this was a breakthrough for me. i have felt my baby move in my stomach (sorry if that grosses you out, but they do that, you know, move and such) --please note that i just had to stop typing because i got a charlie horse in my foot, which happens when you're pregnant. charlie needs to keep his horses to himself. hold your horses, charlie.-- anyway, i have felt my baby move. i have seen her sucking on her toes in an ultrasound. i watched her get hiccups during that same ultrasound. and thinking about all those things makes me realize several things:

• it is nobody's business when i have kids. everybody has an opinion. my guess would be that most peoples' opinions are different than mine when it comes to this specific topic. and that's great, that's fine. you do your thing and i do mine. (maybe i like rhymes, okay?) but the only opinions that actually MATTER are mine, my husband's, and, of course, the Man Upstairs. we try to include Him in our decision making.
• people usually give their opinions because they care about me. family and friends who stop me and say "...so...are you sure this is a good idea?" are not saying those things to be hurtful or rude. i know this because if they really wanted to be rude and/or hurtful, they could have commented instead on my (lack of) fashion sense or my hair or something else equally accessible. but they just care about me and they want me to be happy and so they're telling me things that they think would help me be happy, based on their own experiences. --note: there are always, of course, the people who actually don't have any experience on what you're going through, but still feel justified giving their opinions. i'm sure that they love me too, and are just extrapolating their would-be actions, were they in my situation.--
• i love this little baby an awful lot. i mean she's not even here and i'm already smitten. i can't imagine her not being a part of my life. so whatever we need to figure out to make it work, we'll just figure out. it would be really nice to be done with school and to live in a house and yadda yadda yadda. but i'm not, and we don't, and that's okay, because i would rather be in this situation with her as part of our family than without her. she is worth more to me than the knowledge that i was waiting until i was more "prepared" or "ready" or whatever (can you even really be ready for a baby? like really ready? do you really know until you get there what is about to happen to your life? i submit that you do not.)

i guess what i'm saying is that i'm really really happy that i get to include this little girl as part of our family. and that i know that this is/was a good decision (much like many other decisions i've made in the past where people also thought i was crazy. but that's a whole different story). suffice it to say, charlie can hand out all the horses he wants. my little girl is worth it.

chuckle chuckle.

happy january 17th!